Advanced Surprise Noises
You wake up with the dusty sunlight at 10am, yellow-brown hair, waved with sleep. The room is a spartan mess, no unnecessary objects but no necessary order. Stretching with arms upraised you step out of bed and immediately dripto the floor.
Looking down you realise that there is a [picture of Body Shots] where your [picture of a Kardashian or similar] should be. That’s strange you think to yourself as you grope around for your socks. One is in the pocket of your pants but you think the other might be under the bed. You snake your arm underneath the slat sand around the unwashed clothes, stroking the floor as you go. Your hand bumps against something heavy. Grabbing the object and pulling it out reveals a battered 2011 [picture of meat]. You open the [picture of meat] to find it’s completely dead. Do you:
a. Ask for more shifts at work (Open your mouth)
b. Spend the morning writing grant applications with a pencil (Close your eyes)
You asked for more shifts but got rejected and fired. Do you:
a. Cry and beg for your job back (rub your left eye)
b. Find out how much artists with a [picture of a big purple elephant] earn (smack your chin)
c. Blame the pencil (twinkle both eyes)
After crying for a bit longer you finish getting dressed and slouch into the kitchen to enjoy your favourite bowl of [picture of cat waving]. You sit at the worn table drinking coffee and slowly eating [picture of cat waving]. You pull out your phone, un-cracked this month, and scan your inbox. Mainly junk and invitations to things in other places. You’re about to put it back in your pocket when a Subject line catches your eye. “Earn CA$$$$HNOW!!! –reply BIG money”. Do you:
a. “Earn CA$$$$H NOW!!! –reply BIG money”(stick out your tongue)
b. Go outside for a [picture of a basket of vegetables] (blink thrice)
You quickly tap out “BIG money”. On hitting send a vortex of darkness immediately opens beneath you. Spiralling through the totality of your failed ambitions, screaming and incoherent you fall blindly to fuck knows where. A prick of light appears in the distance. It grows rapidly until it takes up half of the sky, time seems to slow down.
[Body Shots]
After what seems like hours you become aware of an elephant sitting next to you. The animal turns to you and offers you two choices. Do you:
a. Listen to the elephants choices (pick your nose)
b. [picture of a box of vegetables] away(pull your ear)
Wrong choice. The enraged pachyderm blasts you off across the void. The prick of light returns, growing exponentially. Suddenly you’re back at the table, coffee cup poised halfway to your mouth. As you take a sip you look back at the phone and see a reply from the team at “Earn CA$$$$H NOW!!!”. Sweet. You open the email, you’ve been offered a platinum tier membership with uranium perks. All you have to do to accept is ring them. Do you:
a. Ring the number and “Earn CA$$$$H NOW!!!” (lick your greedy lips)
b. Sharpen that stub of a pencil and get to work (flare your nostrils)
Ok. First things first. You go outside to look for the pencil stub. You’re pretty sure that [picture of Kim Kardashian or similar] had it last night and left it on the sofa near the hole in the fence. It’s sunny out here so you take your shirt off, feels nice. Moving through the overgrown garden, full of weeds and broken furniture you start to think about hearing a noise. It could sound like a cicada but drawn out, like someone had recorded the sound and is playing it back at half speed. It makes you think about your bank balance which in turn makes you think about how wet your kneepads are. Fucking sucks hey. The noise stops but you’re intrigued. Do you:
a. Investigate the source of the strange noise (shake your head)
b. Sign up to SEEK and start applying for level 3 government jobs (inflame your eyelids)
Your eyelids begin to tingle. A warm glow coursing across the back of your head pushes out through the sockets and into the back of your skull. It races down your neck, expanding through your chest. The heat is intense now and you begin to float. The fire rushes down below your groin and into your legs. You are engulfed.
Bruno Booth
Body Shots
28February 2022
